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Nora Stark
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Joined: 30 May 2006
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 Post Posted: Sun, October 01st 2006 11:16pm    Post subject: Just Another Broadcast with George Q'Bert (JAB)
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From our broadcast headquarters at an unimportant location, this is...

Just Another Broadcast
With George Q'bert




Just Another Broadcast with George Q'bert is brought to you by StarteK Industries.
_________________
Nora Stark
Owner and Head of StarteK Industries

Credits: 2,024,526,850
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Just Another Broadcast with George Q'Bert - The most watched fake news program in the galaxy!


Last edited by Nora Stark on Mon, October 02nd 2006 01:02am; edited 1 time in total
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Location: A Galaxy Far, Far Away...

 Post Posted: Mon, October 02nd 2006 01:43am    Post subject:
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8-18, 25044…

From an unimportant location, this is Just Another Broadcast with George Q’Bert!


HELLO, people of the galaxy. Hope you’re all feeling fine. I know I am. I feel…warm and fuzzy inside. It’s a good feeling. It has its akward side. But, you know. You gotta take the good with the bad.

Speaking of bad, our top story tonight, war finally, officially happened! Just not totally in the form that was expected.

Fleets from both the Empire and Republic of Nepsis jumped towards targets owned by their respective enemies, the Government-Formerly-Known-As-The-Rebel-Alliance and the Devaron Sovernty, and proceeded to do…nothing. For the past couple days, both fleets have just sat there and looked at each other. Probably with funny looks.

And funny looks from a starship, well…you don’t want to mess with those. They baaaaaaaaad.

While we have not been able to get comment from anyone, largely…because…we…havn’t…tried, sources indicate that the idea was to get the other side to fire first, which would undoubtedly look bad for the media. Certainly worse than sending an invasion fleet to an enemy planet. So what can we make of this predicament? For that, we go to our senior standoffologist correspondant, Bill Greeno.



Bill Greeno, Senior Standoffologist Correspondant

Hey, George

Hi Bill. So what can you tell us about what’s going on?

Well, while it may not look like a normal battle, in truth, there is a serious conflict going on at each of the attacked planets.

Really? And what would that be?

Why, the future of war. As you know, many people don’t want their wars to include death and explosions anymore. So the think tanks at the Empire, Galactic Alliance, and other governments got together and thought up a new form of battle.

New…form of battle?

Yes, George. Right now, these combatants are engaged in perhaps the toughest fight of them all, in which the loser gets a fate worse than death…a dead ego. These people, George, are engaged in INSULT STARFIGHTING!

Excuse me, Bill, insult starfighting?

Yes, George. These are the new rules of war. Each side selects a number of combatants. These combatants get each other on the holonet, and then the battle is joined. The winner of the customary coin flip starts by throwing the most hideous insult they can think of at their opponent. The opponent must then think up a proper counter insult to block, and steal the initiative. For example, if one person said “You’re so fat, you get confused for a sun”, their opponent might counter with “I bet you burned yourself thinking up that one” and take the lead. Simple as that.

I see.

Yes. This is the future of warfare. No more death. No more stuff blowing up. No more cool holodocumentaries based on equally cool battles. Why, look at how well it’s working now. Nothing has blown up over, say Thyferra, but believe me, ‘your mama’ and ‘your so fat’ has been flung so fiercely and so hard, that it’s impossible to tell who’s winning at this point. Peace lovers everywhere will be rejoicing soon.

Thank you, Bill. Bill Greeno, everyone!

Just Another Broadcast with George Q'bert is brought to you by StarteK Industries.
_________________
Nora Stark
Owner and Head of StarteK Industries

Credits: 2,024,526,850
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Just Another Broadcast with George Q'Bert - The most watched fake news program in the galaxy!


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Nora Stark
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Joined: 30 May 2006
Posts: 560
Location: A Galaxy Far, Far Away...

 Post Posted: Sun, October 15th 2006 01:16am    Post subject:
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8-31, 25044…

From an unimportant location, this is Just Another Broadcast with George Q’Bert!


Hi there, glad to see you. Hope you’re sitting down, because what we tell you tonight just might knock your feet right out from under you. Then again, maybe it won’t. It’s so hard to tell with some people. Especially wookies, cus you know, it’s hard to knock anything away from a wookie. No that I’ve ever tried it personally because well, I need my face for this job and confronting a wookie…well, you get the picture.

Tonight, our story goes to territory that normally doesn’t say much, especially to ‘inferior’ outsiders. They don’t like superior outsiders much either. I am talking, of course, about the Chiss, who recently announced that they had more or less turned the government into a really strict dictatorship. This came only days after the Imperium announced that they would be moving from a policy of isolationism towards expansionism, more or less a 180 degree change in policy. What does this mean for the rest of the galaxy? Well, Farberrow Lind is current on Csilla to bring you the story.


Of course, he’s not really on Csilla, but you know how it is.


Farberrow Lind, Senior Policychangeologist Expert

How you doing, Q’Bert?

Doing just fine. You?

Other than freezing my butt of? Peachy.

That cold?

Yeah. But that’s not why I’m here. If I wanted that, I’d be on Alzoc III. Or Hoth. Or planet Freeze-to-Death.

I get the picture.

I don’t think I can feel my toes right now.

Farb, you’ve gotten the idea across.

Oh, sorry. Well, the news you’ve heard so far is correct and unsurprising as far as this story goes. What is surprising is the reaction from the rest of the galaxy. Turns out that only a few government intend to oppose any Chiss invasions. The rest plan to roll out the welcome mat.

Excuse me?

You heard me. You know those responses that have been going around, saying “don’t invade us or you’ll have a war on your hands”? Those are the governments that want nothing to do with the Chiss.

Isn’t invasion normally not wanted?

You’d think that, wouldn’t you. But turns out…That ain’t so! Nope, only those that specifically say that they don’t want to be invaded don’t want to be invaded. The rest couldn’t care less. It’s part of a special system, really. Lets the Chiss know who they can and can’t take over. Makes their job easier.

So how are the Chiss taking the news? Especially that about them loosing a large number of rights?

Oh, they’re all behind this 100%, George.

Really? Because it seems to me that the government turning their backs on centuries of tradition and revoking many of their peoples rights would cause people to be unhappy.

Funny you should mention that. Turns out that when ‘Kel’ and his small group of followers first tried to push this through, there was no one that wanted to go along with it. Some threatened them simply for suggesting the idea.

What caused the change of heart?

My sources tell me that it’s the water. Or rather, the ice cubes.

Enough with the cold jokes already.

Sorry. Oh, and the hospitals. Seems that over the past few weeks, people who have gone in for surgery have received extra treatment. Something involving their brains, most likely computer chips. People go in against the idea of changing things, they come out calling for whatever Kel wants them to call for.

Are you telling me that the Chiss are using mind control?

No, George. “Surgical Reeducation.”

Ok then. Thanks Lind.

No problem George.

That’s our show tonight! Be sure to join us again next time. And now, Something Else!



Just Another Broadcast with George Q'bert is brought to you by StarteK Industries.
_________________
Nora Stark
Owner and Head of StarteK Industries

Credits: 2,024,526,850
---------------------------
Just Another Broadcast with George Q'Bert - The most watched fake news program in the galaxy!


Last edited by Nora Stark on Thu, December 14th 2006 05:23pm; edited 1 time in total
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Nora Stark
Sergeant First Class


Joined: 30 May 2006
Posts: 560
Location: A Galaxy Far, Far Away...

 Post Posted: Sat, October 28th 2006 06:15pm    Post subject:
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9-8, 25044…

From an unimportant location, this is Just Another Broadcast with George Q’Bert!


Hello! Hello! Hello! So glad you choose to tune in. It makes this show all the better, because when you tune in, we get money. It’s this cool process called advertising. People actually pay us to show their message before and after our show and when we have more viewers, they have to pay us more money. Really a great process. Pays my bills. But only if I do my job.

And tonight, my job is to bring you breaking news from Ithor! Despite being the planet of pacifists it is, breaking news from Ithor is not as surprising as you might think it is. They have, after all, let people who are not as willing to talk their differences out come to their planet. It’s not as though they’d do much about it even if they didn’t want to, but hey. Covering the story, and telling us what this breaking news is, is Beatrice Cartson, our Senior Disterbologist Reporter.



Beatrice Cartson, Senior Disterbologist Reporter

May the trees bless you, Q’Bert.

What?

The trees, George. Like the great tree, with all its leafy powers.

What do trees have to do with the breaking news on Ithor?

First off, trees are very important to Ithor, as the Ithorians are one with nature, caring for every living being. Second, they are important because the breaking news involves a Heckler, both relative of the deceased leader of the defunct DWRP and a member of the religion of the great tree.

The news from Ithor is that a Heckler apparently has made an appearance on Ithor, and this hasn’t made the League of Free Worlds, the heir apparent to the DWRP, very happy.


What is it that he’s done they’re so upset about?

At this point? Let me see…nothing.

Did I hear that right?

Yes. At least at nothing newsworthy. Yet. But it’s a guaranteed fact that if they don’t do something, the LFW will regret it.

Do they have anything to back this up?

They don’t need anything to back it up, George. You’re forgetting a large number of very important things. First, the leader of the LFW is a Jedi. A very powerful one at that. As I’m sure you know, Jedi can tell the future. All the LFW Jedi boss has to do is see the future, and say that Hecklers going to cause problems, and you know it’s going to happen.

Doesn’t that leave open room for abuse of power?

George, George, George. How little you know about the Jedi ways. Jedi are dedicated to total selflessness. They don’t care about themselves, only others. Their entire lives are spent helping to make the galaxy a better place. That’s what separates them from the Sith.

Second, the LFW knows that Heckler will cause problems because he’s a Heckler. It’s a proven fact that if your name is Heckler, you’re going to cause problems. Just look at the name. You can’t say ‘heckler’ without, well, ‘Heckler’. If you’re a Heckler, you’re going to heckle anyone you can.


Are you sure? Because it sounds to me like you’re generalizing.

That may be so, but it is the truth. It’s undeniable.

If that’s so, it sounds serious. What does the LFW plan on doing?

According to reports, Ithorian Security is currently trying to catch this new Heckler, with questionable results.

Ithorian Security? I thought the Ithorians were pacifists.

And right you are, Q’bert. But as planets have exported security risks to Ithor, they’ve had to export security with it. Not a single part of Ithorian Security is run by Ithorians. It’s not in their nature.

Surly I would think that some Ithorians could be convinced to help.

George, these are the people that, when a star destroyer pointed its turbolasers at one of their cities, let the Empire pull the trigger. You can’t scare these people. They’re so resistant to fear, it’s scary.

Thank you for that, Cartson. And thank you for tuning in! Join us next time and here it is, Something Else!



Just Another Broadcast with George Q'bert is brought to you by StarteK Industries.
_________________
Nora Stark
Owner and Head of StarteK Industries

Credits: 2,024,526,850
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Nora Stark
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Joined: 30 May 2006
Posts: 560
Location: A Galaxy Far, Far Away...

 Post Posted: Thu, December 14th 2006 06:34pm    Post subject:
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(This broadcast, and the acquisition of the knowledge required for it to exist, has been fully approved, OOC, by Cyrus Bounto.)

10-20, 25044…

From an unimportant location, this is Just Another Broadcast with George Q’Bert!


Hello people. Sentients. Droids. Other things that can hear and just possibly, see me too. Today, we present you with a special edition, focusing on a more serious topic. That’s not to say that war and unrest aren’t serious, it just means that well, this is a more serious topic that we’re going to try to put in a more serious light.

Who am I kidding. We can’t do serious here. I’m required to leave it at the door when I come in to work.

What is this “more serious” topic? That’s the question, isn’t it? According to our sources, a new underworld organization, known as “The Exchange”, has posted a rather particular bounty on their own special holonet. Yes, people, when they have their own special holonet, you know they are’nt joking around. Most of the time. To bring you the story, Orwoor Norboor, our Senior Underworld Expert reports.



Orwoor Norboor, Senior Underworld Expert

*Simply nods his head hello*

So, Norboor, go over the basics as to what we know about this bounty.

While we don’t know anything about the organization or the person who posted it, we do have a copy of the bounty message. In the posting, the organization only known as “the Exchange”, is offering millions of credits and “spice” in exchange for someone ruining the political career of man from a planet known only as “Denon”, who goes by the name of “Ktet Samurix”.

So the guy in question isn’t really from Denon and his name isn’t really Ktet Samurix?

That would be why I used the “air quotes”, wouldn’t it? After all, these “secret criminal organizations” like to use “code names”.

So what else can you tell us?

According to the message, “The Exchange” thinks that Ktet Samurix has too big a voice, and wants him to loose it, in addition to gaining political downfall and public humiliation. Finally, the note says that he’s probably in a New Republic Council right now, but doesn’t provide specifics.

Overall, apparently someone in the exchange lives next door to Samurix, and is tired of asking the man to turn the volume down, only to be told that he ain’t hearing the sterio system.


Ok then. So as our “Senior Underworld Expert”…

No air quotes are needed. I am the Senior Underworld Expert.

As our Senior Underworld Expert, what do suppose this note means?

Well, to make a long analysis short, it means that Mr. Samurix is…doomed.

Doomed?

Yes. Doomed. In fact, we’ve probably doomed him already by making this story. The exchange might as well pay us for doing the job.

I don’t…would you mind explaining what you mean?

It’s obvious, Q’Bert. With the notable exceptions, politicians are very fragile. The slightest thing could set them off. Why, Mr. Samurix might be jumping off a building tonight. Sad, but that’s the way life is. Why, I surprised that the Exchange even posted the bounty. Sooner or later, Mr. Samurix is going to get humiliated and leave office on his own.

I’m sorry, but I was unaware…

Facts of life, George. Facts of life. See, when a normal person - or someone who isn’t born special and with super secret political genes built in - wishes to become a politician, they first have to apply with the intergalactic politicians organization. Then, upon approval, they are taken to a secret planet where the intergalactic politicians organization takes them to a secret room. A secret ceremony then takes place, and after a week, the new politician emerges like a butterfly from a cocoon. While weakened and unable to take criticism, this new political member has been blessed with the ability to BS his way out of any situation and charisma that can only come from supernatural forces.

I…see. Well, thank you Norboor.

*Nods head again*

And that concludes this broadcast! Tune in next time! Now, something else!



Just Another Broadcast with George Q'bert is brought to you by StarteK Industries, makers of the brand new Bodyguard-Class VIP Shuttle.

Travel Safely, Travel Secure.

_________________
Nora Stark
Owner and Head of StarteK Industries

Credits: 2,024,526,850
---------------------------
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Nora Stark
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Joined: 30 May 2006
Posts: 560
Location: A Galaxy Far, Far Away...

 Post Posted: Tue, January 16th 2007 01:00pm    Post subject:
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1-12, 25045…

From an unimportant location, this is Just Another Broadcast with George Q’Bert!


Hello again! I’m so glad you’re joining us. You have no idea how much it touches me that you keep coming back again and again. And because of that, I have something special to show you. You know that clapping you hear every night? Well, it turns out that we have this special sign that we can light up and well…it all happens naturally after that. Let me show you. Jimmy, show it to us.



That’s not the one we have up right now, but it’s really, really close. Now watch this. Jimmy! Turn it on!

*Light turns on, and loud applause is heard.*

Ok! Now turn it off!

*Light turns off, applause quickly dies out.*

You see that? It works like magic or by force powers or something. I frankly don’t know how its done, but I like it.

Just like I’m sure you’ll enjoy our top story tonight! The big story lately, as I’m sure you know, is that the Rebel Alliance surrendered to the Galactic Empire, ushering in a new reign of tyranny and oppression. Naturally…wait, what? Uh, this is slightly embarrassing, but it turns out that our original information was wrong. Truth is that the Alliance has not actually surrendered, but the two in fact signed a peace treaty. According to our sources, which I’m currently spectacle about, POWs on both sides will be returned to their governments, hostilities will cease, and two planets will come under at least partial Imperial Control. Thyferra, well known for its bacta production, will be joint administered by both governments, and Korriban has been ceded to the Empire. Does this we can expect many years of peace and prosperity? The answer may surprise you. Senior Peace Expert Bill Greeno has more.



Bill Greeno, Senior Peace Expert

So what have you got for us, Bill?

Shocking information. Truly shocking, astonishing, incredible information.

That was what I was told. What is it?

Overly astounding.

I get that part. What do you have to tell us?

Oh, you mean what is this overly astonishing, shocking, incredible information?

Yes.

Ah, my apologies. It turns out that this peace treaty is actually a scam by the Empire. Their plans are for it to only be temporary.

That’s rather…interesting.

You don’t seem to fully get what I’m saying.

Perhaps I don’t.

This peace treaty? It’s part of the Empires larger plan to conquer the galaxy. A new, slow plan that involves many years of work and many short wars. In a document obtained from the Empires War Department, a plan is specified in which the Empire will directly or indirectly cause a number of short wars to begin. Then, when the opponent sues for peace, they will be certain that the peace treaty includes a clause about one or more planets being ceded to the Empire. It’s an ingenious attempt to murder their image as an oppressive, evil, planet-killing organization. They realized that ruling by fear was having adverse effects, and needed a new conquer strategy.

Pardon me, but did you say that you got that information directly from the Imperial War Department?

Yes. I got it straight from the top military leaders of the Empire.

Isn’t that kind of stuff classified or guarded?

Generally. But this particular piece of information was so unclassified they made a whole new category for it. “Anyone can walk in an take this”. It’s really a nice system.

I see. I can imagine so. Bill, you’ve been covering this war since it began. In immediate retrospect, what is your opinion on how this war will be remembered when the books are written?

Compared to most wars in recent history, the casualties were small, and the war was short. I say it’ll be largely a footnote in order to better inform on why a following string of wars was carried out.

Thank you Bill. Bill Greeno, people! We hope you come back again! And of course, here it is, Something Else!



Just Another Broadcast with George Q'bert is brought to you by StarteK Industries, makers of the new Bodyguard-Class VIP Shuttle.

Travel Safely, Travel Secure.

_________________
Nora Stark
Owner and Head of StarteK Industries

Credits: 2,024,526,850
---------------------------
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Nora Stark
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Joined: 30 May 2006
Posts: 560
Location: A Galaxy Far, Far Away...

 Post Posted: Thu, June 28th 2007 04:30pm    Post subject:
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5-33, 25045…

From an unimportant location, this is Just Another Broadcast with George Q’Bert!


Hello again and thank you for joining us! I hope you’re feeling well, I know I am. I’ve actually been doing well now for, well I don’t recall how long. It’s not exactly one of those things you keep track of. I’m feeling fine, and I’m simply happy to leave it at that.

But on to our major topic tonight – War. A topic that not many like to talk about, but one that constantly occupies the minds of most.

Ok, scratch that. War – it’s a topic that not many…of…the…



You know what, just forget the intro and let’s just jump into the story. The story being the latest involving the Republic of Nespis, a government which, as of late, has faced turbulent times. First with the removal of democratically elected leader President Jahan Stresemann in some kind of military coup to put Velora Antana in place as leader of what became some form of non-democratic system. That was soon followed by yet another military coup that saw Admiral Erwin Rommel depose and exile Ms. Antana. And now, coming full circle, yet another military coup has seen former president Stresemann depose and kill the now very dead admiral, bringing the government full circle, minus a large number of dead people.

So what does all this mean for the Republic of Nespis? Does the RN have need to fear more political instability? Do groups of questions always need to come in three?

For the answer to these and more, we turn now to Beatrice Cartson, Senior Expert on Overthrowing Governments.



Beatrice Cartson, Senior Expert on Overthrowing Governments

Wait, that’s her expertise? Seriously?

Of course, George. Someone has to be an expert in it. How else would I best be able to examine a situation like this, analyze it, and answer your questions?

But does that seriously mean what it seems to mean? I mean, are you really an expert when it comes to overthrowing governments?

I’ve been advised by my legal representatives to answer ‘no’ to that question.







Hello?

Oh, ah, yes! Nespis! What does all this violence and change in leadership mean for the government?

It means their new process of selecting a leader is working perfectly.

I’m sorry, what?

Their new process of selecting who’s going to run the place. Who’s the big cheese. Who’s the head of state. The leader.

I’m not exactly I know how this process works.

It’s quite simple, really. When a citizen of Nespis decides they’d do a better job as king than the current leader, they recruit followers. In secret, of course, in order to avoid the possible wrath of the current leader. When a wannabe leader thinks he has enough followers, he announces his platform for leadership and how long it’ll be till he plans on attempting a coup. This is when the citizens have their say. If they like the current leader, they fight against the coup. If they like the sound of the new guy, they help the coup make it all the way home. Whoever comes out on top is the new leader of Nespis.

Wow. That sounds…violent.

True. But if there’s one thing it’s not, it’s boring. And that’s what this whole system is about. Making politics exciting and involving for everyone.

So they did away with the normal election process in favor of a more violent system for entertainment?

Exactly. As I’m sure you know, normal politics is boring. Standing in long lines to vote, people talking and shouting back at one another to try to get their point of view across, holonet ads, it’s nothing that any fun loving person wants to deal with. And if there’s one thing that the Nespians can’t be called, it’s boring. So President Stresemann, fulfilling what he saw as the will of the people, implemented a new system, with Admiral Rommel simply being the first to give it a full run. I hear the system has been so successful, they’ll be implementing a new measure for passing bills in the legislature in the near future. Something about stun weapons and capture the flag.

Certainly sounds like something to report on later.

As always, thank you, Beatrice.


No, thank you, George.

Yes, well, anyways, thank you for watching our show, and be sure to tune in again next time! And now, here it is, Something Else!



Just Another Broadcast with George Q'bert is brought to you by StarteK Industries, makers of the new Bodyguard-Class VIP Shuttle.

Travel Safely, Travel Secure.

_________________
Nora Stark
Owner and Head of StarteK Industries

Credits: 2,024,526,850
---------------------------
Just Another Broadcast with George Q'Bert - The most watched fake news program in the galaxy!
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